Frustrations With Myself
Every so often, when I'm in a bit more somber a mood, I start thinking about how I live my life or whether it's really my life at all. Much of my time and energy is spent doing my job, which I don't particularly like, performing obligatory life maintenance tasks, or doing things for or with others, often more as a matter of course than of choice. Of course all of this takes its toll on my energy level, both mentally and physically, and as a result, what time I can take away from it is often spent in a recovery laze. All together, it feels like I have less and less time for doing things I enjoy just because it's what I feel like doing, which used to be a very high priority of mine and which is something I often miss.
On its face, it might seem like my problem boils down to a lack of time, and while that's definitely a large factor, it's a relatively recent development, while my overarching lack of progress is not. Even years ago, when I was on my own had ample spare time to focus on things, I rarely used it in a productive way, so even if I had that time back, I'm not sure I'd do any better with it.
Ultimately, I think a lot of my problems in life stem from a lack of drive and assertiveness. I tend to go along with whatever the people I'm with feel like doing, but it's not necessarily because there aren't other things I want to do. I grew up with plenty of time to myself, so when I was in a group trying to decide what to do, it didn't really matter whether I got my way. I could just as easily do whatever I wanted on my own and with better focus later, so I was generally willing to cede to others' whims unless they involved things I'd rather not do at all, in which case I'd usually just leave them to it.
Now I have much less time to myself, but maintain my tendency to go along with others, which results in a significant increase in time spent doing things, but a decrease in time spent doing things for myself. I have a general understanding that I could theoretically balance this with a little bit of force, but that's not something I ever really learned to do as it's always been easier to go with the flow and avoid causing a fuss.
As for the drive issue, I've addressed before the fact that not knowing what I want out of life makes whatever it is exceedingly difficult to work toward, let alone obtain. Perhaps as a placeholder, I could just say the thing I want from life is to know what I want from life. Would having something to work toward but having absolutely no idea how to go about it be better than just not having anything to work toward in the first place?
If nothing else, Alu and I are working toward having a job we think will be better than the one we have now, so that alleviates the frustration somewhat. That and the fact that I have Alu at all are good sources of respite. It's also helping to write all of this out. It helps to sort out my thoughts, which helps me understand them a bit better. How obnoxious that having an understanding one's own thoughts and motivations isn't inherent.
I feel like I should have more to say, but I can't really think of anything. Maybe this train of thought is just burned out for the moment. I'll probably dig deeper into it later.
So take it easy, I suppose.
On its face, it might seem like my problem boils down to a lack of time, and while that's definitely a large factor, it's a relatively recent development, while my overarching lack of progress is not. Even years ago, when I was on my own had ample spare time to focus on things, I rarely used it in a productive way, so even if I had that time back, I'm not sure I'd do any better with it.
Ultimately, I think a lot of my problems in life stem from a lack of drive and assertiveness. I tend to go along with whatever the people I'm with feel like doing, but it's not necessarily because there aren't other things I want to do. I grew up with plenty of time to myself, so when I was in a group trying to decide what to do, it didn't really matter whether I got my way. I could just as easily do whatever I wanted on my own and with better focus later, so I was generally willing to cede to others' whims unless they involved things I'd rather not do at all, in which case I'd usually just leave them to it.
Now I have much less time to myself, but maintain my tendency to go along with others, which results in a significant increase in time spent doing things, but a decrease in time spent doing things for myself. I have a general understanding that I could theoretically balance this with a little bit of force, but that's not something I ever really learned to do as it's always been easier to go with the flow and avoid causing a fuss.
As for the drive issue, I've addressed before the fact that not knowing what I want out of life makes whatever it is exceedingly difficult to work toward, let alone obtain. Perhaps as a placeholder, I could just say the thing I want from life is to know what I want from life. Would having something to work toward but having absolutely no idea how to go about it be better than just not having anything to work toward in the first place?
If nothing else, Alu and I are working toward having a job we think will be better than the one we have now, so that alleviates the frustration somewhat. That and the fact that I have Alu at all are good sources of respite. It's also helping to write all of this out. It helps to sort out my thoughts, which helps me understand them a bit better. How obnoxious that having an understanding one's own thoughts and motivations isn't inherent.
I feel like I should have more to say, but I can't really think of anything. Maybe this train of thought is just burned out for the moment. I'll probably dig deeper into it later.
So take it easy, I suppose.
Comments
Post a Comment